A New Commandment Post-Modernity Giveth Unto Us

(A version of this blog post first appeared in Ligonier Ministries TABLE TALK magazine, June, 2015)

Honor Your Father and Your Mother

“No more of parental rules,” declares Calvin as he and Hobbes strut north to be masters of their fate in the frozen Yukon. “Good riddance to those grown-up ghouls!” Life will be grand, so Calvin thinks, because there he won’t need to put up with—much less honor—his parents (Bill Watterson).

In a culture that honors youth, “Honor your father and your mother” (Exodus 20:12a) makes no sense. Isn’t honor something we seek for ourselves? So what’s all this about giving it to others?

YOUTH CULT

Our tolerant culture has zero tolerance for aging, which has produced a cult of perpetual youth, with perfect teeth grinning at us wherever we turn. In the resulting frenzy to appear young, Americans annually spend an amount on cosmetic procedures sufficient to feed and clothe 54 million starving children. 

Devoutly honoring the superficiality of appearance, we look with longing toward youth—and with loathing toward age and maturity. We desperately don’t want to grow up and give up childish ways (I Corinthians 13:11b), so, rather than honor, we ignore or neglect the aged.

Dishonoring maturity, however, is not just the problem of our image-driven youth culture. Seeing the tendency in 16^th century Geneva, Calvin cautioned from his deathbed, “Let the young continue to be modest, without wishing to put themselves forward too much; for there is always a boastful character in young folks… who push on in despising others.”

HONOR OR ABANDON

Perversely, our culture makes it a virtue to “push on in despising others,” especially parents. Jared Diamond, UCLA professor and Pulitzer Prize-winning author, argues that with technology and inexhaustible access to information we no longer need the mature as a source of wisdom. 

In his article “Honor or Abandon,” Diamond goes further: “It may under some circumstances be better for children to abandon or kill their parents.” Which flips the fifth commandment on its head, turning what is forbidden into what is required, neglecting and heinously acting against the honor of parents and others (WSC Q.65).

HONOR ALL

Going down to the heart, the fifth commandment extends beyond honoring parents. It “…requireth the preserving the honour, and performing the duties, belonging to everyone in their several places and relations, as superiors, inferiors, or equals” (WSC Q.64).

Enshrined in the fifth commandment is our entire duty to love our neighbor as ourselves—all our neighbors.

But honoring is hard; it requires us to suspend our self-worship, to give up the honor we imagine belongs to us and render it to another, to inconvenience ourselves for the benefit of others, to rise in the presence of the aged (Leviticus 19:32) and thereby honor God.

HONOR THE DISHONORABLE

Intractable lovers of self, we find honoring others too difficult—actually, impossible. So we cast about for a way out. Many have good reasons. An anguished young man once asked me, “How am I supposed to honor my father after what he’s done to my mother?” It was a good question. I knew what this father had done. He’d run off with another woman, leaving his pregnant wife to pick up the pieces of the domestic disaster created by his profoundly dishonorable behavior. Nevertheless, God tells this young man to honor his father.

Master finaglers, the Pharisees thought they had landed on the ultimate exception clause to honoring parents. They had cooked up a tradition that said when they declared their resources given to God they were off the hook on the fifth commandment. Jesus exposed the fraud: “So for the sake of your tradition you have made void the word of God. You hypocrites! Well did Isaiah prophesy of you…:

“‘This people honors me with their lips,
            but their heart is far from me…’” (Matthew 15:1-9).

Only hearts that have been brought near to God in Christ can truly honor—even a dishonorable parent. Just as “Children obey your parents,” does not include obeying their sinful commands, so “Honor your father,” does not include honoring his dishonorable behavior.

However, if Peter can urge 1^st century believers to honor everyone, including Emperor Nero (I Peter 2:17), then the command to honor parents isn’t made void by having a dishonorable parent, any more than the command to love our neighbor is void when we have a neighbor who lobs beer cans into our yard. God’s commands still apply in a broken world of imperfect neighbors and dishonorable parents; they were gifted to us by our gracious heavenly Father for just such a world.

PERFECT OBEDIENCE REQUIRED

Unique in the Decalogue, the Spirit annexed to the fifth commandment an enduring consequence for obeying it, “that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12b).

Long life—Everlasting life! Unshakably secured by our elder Brother whose obedience did surpass that of the scribes and Pharisees (Matthew 5:20), who alone is perfect as His heavenly Father is perfect (Matthew 5:48), who did what no one has ever been able to do: perfectly fulfill all the duties required in God’s Law. Pick your earthly hero; not one has truly honored his parents.

Except Jesus. Honoring His Father’s will, Christ prayed, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will but as you will” (Matthew 26:39). Forsaken by His Father on the cross, yet the Son perfectly obeyed and honored His Father—though it cost Him everything. 

“Honor your father and your mother.” Jesus did. In Him, we can grow daily in the grace of honoring our earthly parents for the still greater honor of our heavenly Father.

Douglas Bond, author of twenty-five books, including Grace Works (And Ways We Think It Doesn’t), is a PCA ruling elder, conference speaker, and church history tour leader www.bondbooks.net

Why do kids cave-in to evangelists of unbelief in college?

Alex Chediak, author of Preparing Your Teens for College, sent me a copy of his new release--go buy this book! Since our four older kids have already (or almost) passed through the college experience, we already owned his book about kids thriving in college. We bought the first one, so it was a treat getting a complimentary copy of his new one from Alex. Below is my recent interview with this wonderful Christian brother:

1. Alex, I would love to hear how a guy goes from being a grad student at UC Berkeley (not exactly a bastion of Christian thought) to writing books to help prepare Christian young people for college? Tell us about that.
I began aspiring to Christian writing when I was in graduate school. Soon after completing my Ph.D. I got a job teaching at a Christian college. Ever since then, my days have been filled with college students. That got me writing articles, and later a book, to help them.
2. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it looks like you write primarily non-fiction books and articles. I realize you are a college professor (BTW, several of my CHS students have gone on to CBU and loved it), but I was looking at the picture of your beautiful family and three lovely children. Do you do any closet fiction writing for children (CS Lewis was also in academia, right?) or maybe not in the closet and you have a children's picture book about to release around the corner? Do your kids ever say, "Daddy, don't read us a story, TELL us a story!" And does that start awakening your creative imagination to write fiction?
I’ve read my children the first two Narnia books (among other fiction). They love stories – to read them, and to have me tell them. Mine aren’t very good, I fear. When my recently completed book, Preparing Your Teens for College, arrived in the mail, my soon-to-be eight year old daughter said to me. “Daddy, when are you going to write a book that we can read?” She then pointed to her collection and said, “Something like this.” I guess I have my marching orders!
3. What prompted you to write your newest release, Preparing Your Teens for College? Were you seeing specific problems and issues among young people coming from Christian homes at the university you teach at? What were some of those?
More people than ever are going to college today, as we’re fast becoming a skill- and knowledge-based economy. Between 1973 and 2007, 63 million jobs were added to the U.S. economy, while the number of jobs held by people with only a high school degree fell by about two million. Not only is there a growing need for a post-secondary credential of some sort, the earnings premium for those who hold an associate’s or bachelor’s degree over those who don’t continues to grow each year. It pays to have a college degree—literally. 
The problem is that too many students who go to college don’t succeed. Only 56 percent of those who begin at a four-year college graduate in six years. And only 29 percent of those who begin at a two-year college graduate in three years. As recently as 2010 (the last year for which data is available) the majority of 25-34 year olds did not have an associate’s or a bachelor’s degree. Add to this the massive expense of higher education and the fact that many who don’t complete their degrees have taken on student debt. This is contributing to the lack of social mobility that many are experiencing.

So what makes a difference? More than anything, it’s the training they receive in their homes before they leave those homes. Academic and professional success flow from character and maturity. And as Christians we know that character and maturity flow from a God-mastered life, from the heart of a person who has bowed the knee to the Lord Jesus Christ. Such a person views every sphere of their life—academics, recreation, spiritual disciplines—as an expression of their worship (Rom. 12:1). It’s all about putting the glory of God’s grace on display—loving God with our whole being, and loving our neighbors as ourselves (which includes developing expertise in specific fields so that we’re competent and employable, able to feed our families and support our churches).    

4. Your own children are pretty young and not exactly ready to take the SAT and apply to college. When you leave your university classroom and office behind in the evening and head home, what are things you're doing now with your younger children to prepare them for college? Can you give us tease into just how parents can and ought to be preparing their teens for college?
Teaching them to love learning—to actually enjoy the exercise of their mental faculties, as they gain mastery over subjects they didn’t previously understand.  And similarly, I want them to see that while learning can be difficult, it can be done. A common expression we hear from Karis (almost eight) is, “I can’t do it!”  That’s what she says when a math problem is not immediately obvious to her. What I want her to learn in those moments is to push herself through that initial difficulty—to assess and categorize a problem, to develop strategies, to call upon fundamentals she’s previously learned, to ask for a hint instead of an answer. When she succeeds, I remind her that it can be done. I pray that all my children experience the thrill of learning.
It’s not that I anticipate God will gift them equally in every subject. That rarely happens. It’s that continuous learning, and joy in learning, will make them excel in wherever their God-given passions and talents lie. And that in turn will generate vocational and avocational success.
5. Preparing Your Teens for College is for parents, it sounds like from the title. What would you say to a young person who was brought to faith in Christ in high school but they don't come from a Christian home, don't have parents who would read or understand this book, and, though a real believer in Jesus and the gospel of grace, are wholly unprepared for college? 

I’d encourage them to pick up a copy of Thriving at College. In that book I tell students how they can make their college years a launching pad into all that’s associated with responsible Christian adulthood.  Thriving at College explores topics such as growing spiritually, embracing responsibility, loving God with all your mind, growing in character and maturity, striving for academic excellence, balancing work and recreation, finding your calling, establishing godly friendships, handling the transition from high school to college, time management, financial discipline, and honoring parents while pursuing functional/economic independence.  

6. There are other books on the market on this subject; how is yours unique?
I’m not aware of another distinctively Christian book for parenting teens with a view towards preparing them for the academic and professional challenges that come with the increasingly crucial (and increasingly expensive) college years. I covered the gamut of issues that parents need to consider as they train their teens—character, faith, relationships, finances, academics, and the college decision itself (including an assessment of two-year options and skilled trades). There’s also an Appendix on how parents can plan and save for college.   
7. How did you get connected with Tyndale for your publisher and what have been the best parts of that relationship between author and publisher for you?
Everyone at Tyndale has been completely supportive of the message and heartbeat of Thriving at College and Preparing Your Teens for College. That’s made for a great partnership.
8. If someone were to ask you why you go to all the trouble to write a book like this--or any of the books and articles you have written--what would you say is your purpose for writing?
To love my neighbors as myself, by imparting to them ideas and truths that I believe will change their lives for the better. 
9.  A question more about the writing process itself, if I may. When and where do you do most of your writing?
In my home office during the evenings, but also on my campus office on Tuesdays and Thursdays when I don’t teach as much.
10. Where can folks go to find out more about Preparing Your Teens for College and your other books?

My website, www.alexchediak.com, has lots of information about my books—you can read descriptions, excerpts, the Forewords, the endorsements, interviews I’ve done, reviews that others have written, and find related audio and video material. 

THANKS, HEAPS, ALEX! I wish you well and may God richly bless your ministry to our young people, for the glory of Christ and his glorious gospel of grace. 

My Son Cedric Featured in Challenger Films, The Winning Edge

Airing on Fox and other media outlets in cities across the US, is a feature film on my second eldest son (it aired in Seattle area at 8:30 Saturday morning). Cedric is an athlete, training for the Olympics. He is a flat-water sprint kayak racer who has been a multiple National Champion, has been on 3 US Junior Worlds teams (racing in Russia twice, Czech Republic, and training in Slovakia and Italy), and the US Senior team, racing in Hungary, August of 2011.

He was chosen for this feature because of overcoming challenges in his life as an athlete and student. The producers of the film are more concerned with helping young adults make right choices and with the practical implications of right living and sports than with any overt message of the gospel of grace, the forgiveness of sins in Christ (though Challenger Films, as I understand it, is a Christian film maker). I say this, because I was waiting to hear the source and enabling to overcome temptations and challenges. It never came. Cedric would have a great deal more to say about overcoming sin in his life that what is here. Nevertheless, here it is, and it does underscore the grace of God, that no one is exempt from sin, and that there is a way out. But if falls short of giving us the way out--Jesus, the Way, the Truth, and the Life.

Then there's the fact that the content of this film, and what Cedric candidly talks about, is sort of personal, which makes me wonder why I am writing a blog post on it and embedding the film. Watch and see. If you have fallen into the enslaving trap of measuring your spiritual health, your skill and worth as a parent, your faithfulness as a Christian, by your kids' successes, and then the realities of being a sinful parent, raising sinful kids in a sinful world have kicked in (and I do mean 'kicked' here), then give this a watch. It reinforces the axiom that God makes us parents to keep us humble. Still more, if you have turned from grace and think that God owes you blessings because of your faithfulness in raising your kids, get ready for a shocker. And then turn and cling to Jesus and his grace; he alone is the Author and Perfecter of faith--in us and in our kids. Praise be to God!

TRWE ’11 -’12 Broadcast Station List
Fox stations:
New York - WNYW/WWOR (Fox O&O)
Los Angeles - KTTV/KCOP (Fox O&O)
Chicago - WFLD/WPWR (Fox O&O)
Philadelphia - WTXF (Fox O&O)
San Francisco - KTVU/KICU (FOX/Independent)
Dallas - KDFW/KDFI (Fox O&O)
Washington, DC - WTTG/WDCA (Fox O&O)
Houston - KRIV/KTXH (Fox O&O)
Phoenix - KSAZ/KUTP (Fox O&O)
Minneapolis - KMSP/WFTC (Fox O&O)
Orlando - WOFL/WRBW (Fox O&O)
Tucson - KMSB (FOX)
Portland, ME - WPFO (FOX)
Gainesville - WOGX (Fox O&O)

To see Cedric on other media outlets and cities, click here: http://realwinningedge.com/images/pdfs/trwe_airings.pdf

SPANKING, a means of grace?

Having thoughtful Christian friends is such an encouragement to me. And even though I'm loathe to admit that electronic technology has its advantages, being able to keep in touch with a friend who is living and serving on another continent by means of electronic media is a great blessing. Just yesterday a good friend of mine wrote and opened the discussion about when a child may be too old for spanking. Here were my responses in two installments:

Spanking. So counter-intuitive feeling sometimes (maybe all the time), isn’t it? We use it for blatant disobedience and defiance, not for a kid being an immature kid. Looking back, I wish I had addressed some issues of pride and self-righteousness in my kids hearts more intentionally, but no spanking will help there. I tell Giles (almost 9), “do you want Moses or Jesus?” Moses and the law is where the spankings come in. 

The Law is important and we all need it: but as Paul David Tripp has it, “The rules reveal and restrain sin, but they have no power to rescue us from it.” Yet God has consequences for our violation of the law, and so must we have in our homes. If his heart is hard and he refuses grace by defiance, then I must spank him. But that’s not the end of it, of course. I then want to do what the law is designed to do—lead us to Christ! So then it’s the gospel and showing him the ugliness of sin and guilt, what it cost Jesus on the cross, and then showing him the beauty of forgiveness, the freeness of grace, we don’t deserve it, can’t earn it, and then I want to dazzle him with that grace, the only means by which his hard heart can be softened. 

And Pray without ceasing. I’ve been recently convicted about having a deeper, more genuine sense of my own weakness and neediness, which leads me to crying out to God in prayer. I want to be more intentional about praying with and for my family, and doing so on the moment: “let’s stop and pray about this,” and then doing it.

Spanking, when it comes to that, and praying—they go hand in hand. I don’t think there’s a date-on-the-calendar cut-off for spanking. Each child is so different. [name omitted to protect the guilty] I had to spank last (sure hope it’s last—he’s almost 18 now and I’m convinced past spanking) when he was fourteen: issue? He had shot Giles at close range with an air soft gun and left a welt on the then 5 year old kid. But it wasn’t that in itself. It was the culmination of escalating unkindnesses to his little brother that verbal rebuking and encouraging had not halted. As much as I would hope that 14 is too old for spanking, I was very grateful that I had that in, by then remote, reserve so that the rod of the Law could be laid on his backside. Graciously the Spirit used the spanking as a means of grace in his heart. There has been good fruit as a result of that foretaste of pain and suffering in hell that awaits the intractable rebel encased in a spanking.    

[2] We realize that we are approaching parenting differently in some respects with our younger family than with our older ones. And the key difference is that we care a great deal more about the heart now than the outward behavior. Before, I must confess, I was more concerned about outward conformity and how my kids made me look to others (I’ll pause while you run to the WC and throw up, but there’s the facts, to my shame). And the only way to a kid’s (or a parent’s) heart is by the unconditionally free grace of the gospel. Period. I think there was a guy named Schaeffer-something who kept haranguing on that one, wasn’t there? 

Spanking motivated by a desire to alter behavior to placard my great parenting will fall far short of the mark. But when necessary, spanking as a loving means of grace to show how ugly, how self-destructive, how enervating, and how much a slap in the face to Jesus sin is, sanctified by the Holy Spirit, will bear the fruit of the Spirit in the changed heart of our kids. We have the promise of God on that one. BTW, I had to spank [name omitted to protect the guilty] just last night, though it has been several weeks before that. Sometimes the long stretches are times of growth in grace in his heart. Other times it is my sinful reluctance to believe what God says about this less-than-enjoyable means of grace. Thanks for praying.